You look at me, and what do you see? A beautiful woman in her mid to late 20’s, maybe? Or perhaps you’ve actually looked into my eyes, and you see someone who’s seen more than her appearance suggests. Whatever you see when you look at me, I can almost promise that it’s not the whole story. Right now you don’t see the Goddess. The deity that ruled over an entire planet for more millennia than can be counted. You don’t see the mother in agony over losing her child. Or the vengeance that was had on those who stole that child away. You don’t see the loss of love and happiness. All you see is an attractive woman who might grace your sheets tonight. I can tell you right now to keep dreaming. But you came here for a story. For my story. I’ll give it as best as I can. I should probably start off by saying that I wasn’t always a goddess. There was a time – very, very long ago – when I was just a mortal woman. I started off as a mortal child, born to a family of nomads. We were sheep and goat herders. Our place in the world was a simple one. We had our gods and goddesses that we worshipped, but they were completely inaccessible to us. We never saw them, and they only communicated through the weather and events that happened in our lives. I can only compare our gods and goddesses to the One God of Earth. They seem to have the same philosophy about how to guide the world. None of us knew that there were other gods and goddesses out there beyond our own. None of us were aware of the Ancients who watched over our planets and made sure that nothing terrible happened to any of us. All we knew was that the grasslands had to be followed if the goats and sheep were going to eat. And the gods and goddesses had to be pleased with our sacrifices if we were going to continue to exist. It was a very superstitious world that I grew up on. Everything that was done, was done by tradition. The way children came into the world and were raised. The way marriages were held and the honeymoon phase. Everything in our lives was ruled by traditions of superstitions. But we didn’t know any better. I think I was about 14 when I was married off to my husband. He was an older man of 35. I remember quite clearly that I didn’t want to get married yet. I wasn’t ready to start a family of my own, or to sleep with a man that I barely knew. But my father insisted. Against my wishes, I was married off and sent to live with this man who was nothing but a stranger to me. I was lucky that he was a kind stranger. He took his time letting me get to know him, and only did what tradition demanded on the night of our wedding. It was a terrifying and painful experience, but he promised that he’d never hurt me again. At that age, I was a very trusting soul, and I took his words to heart. I didn’t realize that his idea of not hurting me and mine were two vastly different worlds. I can’t count the number of beatings that I took from my husband. Nor can I count the number of times that he raped me. I was barely 15 years old when my first child came into the world – a daughter who I’d never get the chance to know. My husband was enraged when he found out that a girl had been born. He’d wanted a son, and he’d demanded that I give him one. Me giving him a girl was like a slap in the face. He killed the newborn before she was even two hours old. Then he beat and raped me until I couldn’t move or scream any more. To say that I hated my husband would be an understatement. And I vowed that one day I would get my vengeance on him for everything he’d done to me – and to that newborn he stole from my arms. Time moves slowly when you’re mortal. I didn’t realize it, but all the while I was growing up, someone was watching me. Someone who knew that one day I’d become an Ancient, and live to protect my people. He watched all the hard times, and he watched as my heart grew colder to the man I’d been married to. And then, shortly before my 20th birthday, I was called to Ascend. To become a higher power. I didn’t understand the call at first. Didn’t understand what was happening to me. But it happened anyway. I became an Ancient, with all the powers and duties that come with the job title. I used those powers to get my vengeance on my husband. While what I did wasn’t looked upon kindly by the other Ancients, they understood why I did what I did. Nothing was ever said by any of them. It was never held against me or used as a reason to deny me anything. As you may be aware, there have been many wars among the Ancients of the universe. New Ancients are created, and seek to usurp the old. They want to be more powerful, and they want to be the only ones in the universe with that power. It was one of those wars that destroyed everything that I’d come to love. They took my mate, slaughtered him and stole his powers. And they might have very well slaughtered me if I hadn’t fled for my life. I was the only one left to survive. I was the only one out of dozens that went on to live another life. For me, it meant finding another planet to take care of. Although, I knew that I wanted this next planet I took care of to be different. I wanted to be more involved. I wanted to become more than just a protector. I wanted to become a goddess. I’m sure you’re aware of the various creation stories of Earth. The different beginnings that each religion has given to this planet. On my planet, Beridian, there was only one creation story. There was only one religion among the four races who inhabited the planet. And the story – that religion – started with me. I’m not going to give you years when things happened. It was so long ago that your mind wouldn’t be able to comprehend the years. So, instead, I’ll give you events. Beridian was a near lifeless planet when I arrived. I was a homeless goddess in search of somewhere to call my own. When I found Beridian, it seemed perfect in almost every way. There were beasts that roamed the lands – dragons and unicorns among others. But there were no humanoid life forms. Just the beasts that ruled the world. For quite some time I left those beasts alone. I watched as I built and created the palace that would become the home of the gods. My home. And then one night, one of the dragons caught my attention. He was mourning the loss of his mate. She had died in a mating battle between two males. Touched by his loss, I transformed myself into a dragon and went to him. It was a night of passion and love. It was a night that would change that world forever. And that dragon, my male consort, would become a god that night. He would also become the father of a race known as the Dragon Bloods. His name was Gavin – the great White Dragon Lord. And our first child together was born in the human form. But there was something special about her. She was capable of shifting between her human form and that of her father. As I watched our daughter shift for the first time, I realized what this planet could become. There could be four great races inhabiting the planet. It would just take some time to populate the world. I had all the time in the world. The Dragon Bloods were the first to become an established race. Together Gavin and I brought forth ten children to become the founders of their cities and the great heroes of their legends. They never disappointed us. Next would come the Ialolys – the Unicorn Shifters. On the planet I had previously come from, Ialolys was the Elven word for Unicorn, so I chose that name for those who would become the elusive shifters of magical proportions. Again, I chose one of the unicorns to mate with – taking their shape and bringing the male to the palace to rule as a god. As it turns out, it was harder to bring Ialolys into the world than it was the Dragons Bloods. The children aren’t as hardy or sturdy. They’re supremely delicate, as is the pregnancy with each child. There were many miscarriages at first before I realized how to bring these children into the world. It meant staying in Unicorn form throughout the pregnancy. It wasn’t a desired form for me, but I did what I had to in order to bring healthy children into the world. The Unicorn god was known as Tristan. Later he would become known as Tristan – the Gentle Guider. Where Gavin was hard on his children, teaching them with bumps and bruises, Tristan was almost too tender with his own children. For a while I feared that none of them would grow into strong enough people to rule a race of their own. But Tristan showed me that you can raise a strong child with tenderness. The last two races on Beridian were the Fae and the Elves. I’m not going into details about how those races were created, but it’ll suffice to say that it was much easier to bring them into the world than it ever was a Dragon Blood or Ialolys. With the Fae and the Elves already having human forms when they came to Beridian, it was a simple task of procreation. And, while the Dragon Bloods were my first children, I have to admit that it was the Elves who were my favorites. They were the most human of all the races – with all the glorious triumphs and pitfalls that come with that title. It took millennia for the races of Beridian to grow into what they were before the planet was destroyed. During those millennia, I was always accessible to my children and descendants. I wanted them to know who I was. That I cared about them and only wanted what was best for them. In return, they gave me the worship that I always desired. A goddess isn’t much of a goddess unless she’s being worshipped by those on the ground beneath her. The Golden Ages of the Dragon Bloods and Elves came and went. And, eventually modern times were found on Beridian. Great cities sprung up almost overnight. It was wonderful to behold. Watching your children become something great. Eventually they made contacts with other worlds outside of their own. But they never forgot me. Maybe you’ve learned this from your own history of gods and goddesses – or maybe you haven’t. But a god or goddess can be given more power or less, depending on how they’re worshipped and loved. The more they’re worshipped, the more people believe in them, the more power the god in question has. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t grow stronger from the love of my children. They worshipped me faithfully from their first steps until the planet came crashing down around their ears. And even now, with the planet gone, I can still feel the survivors praying to me for their safety. Even a goddess gets bored sometimes. That happened to me several times over the course of my rule over Beridian. Each time I would decide to leave my mountain home. To go down into the world and live amongst the people that I loved. There were some epic loves during those ventures into the world. Most of the time those epic loves would happen with the Dragon Bloods. They were the more interesting of the people on Beridian. They had great cities with all kinds of technology. They were vastly interesting to me. And I enjoyed learning the new things that they’d come up with between my ventures into their world. Each time I allowed myself to fall in love. Sometimes with a man, but occasionally with a woman. More children were born, and these were the children that I loved the most. They were the ones that I was able to raise from birth into adulthood. They were the ones that I formed a real attachment to. But it would be the Elves who would prove to give me everything that I’d ever dreamt of. It was more recently when I descended from the mountain to live with the Elves. They’d always been my favorite race, but I’d stayed away from them out of fear. I was afraid that if I got too close, I’d be disenchanted with them. That they’d show sides of themselves that I couldn’t love. But that wouldn’t prove to be the case when I finally did enter their forests. From the moment I stepped foot in their woods, they knew that I was there. They didn’t recognize me as their Goddess, but they did know that I was a stranger to their lands. It was a team of scouts that took me to their Queen. I explained to her that I was from another place, far away, and that I was just looking for somewhere to settle down. I didn’t want to live in the great Dragon Blood cities. I just wanted somewhere quiet. She accepted me into their kingdom, and I was given a house amongst the trees. It wasn’t long after I’d settled into the Elven lands that I met the man who would become more than just a lover. His name was Ronon, and he was one of the warriors of the Elves. I remember when he came back from battle with the Fae. He was bloody and broken, and he could barely stay on his mount. He fell off that mount almost right outside my front door. I went to him, and brought him inside so that he could rest and get something to drink. I didn’t realize at the time that he would become someone so special to me. Ronon stayed with me for a matter of a few months while he healed. Over that time we grew closer than just patient and caregiver. I can still feel the first time that we made love together. It was the most incredible night that I had ever had. But, eventually, Ronon had to go back to the war. The Fae were attempting to take over Elven lands, and as much as I wanted to help, I had to stay out of the fight and let everyone work things out on their own. I became pregnant the last night Ronon and I were together. Pregnancy for an Elf is usually about ten months. Elven children develop differently than human children. But my daughter was born in eight months. She was a little bit on the small side, but she was gorgeous. She had the most incredibly blue eyes that I had ever seen on a child. And her small head was covered in a cap of fine blonde hair. She had my full lips, and a lot of my other features. It was love at first sight. I named my daughter Cailet. Word of the birth spread quickly to Ronon, and he got permission to return home so that he could see his daughter. His first and only child. He was just as enchanted with her as I was. But, as all good things must come to an end, Ronon was only able to stay with us for a few weeks before he had to return to the battlefront. The war between the Elves and the Fae lasted another three years before the Fae finally backed off and gave up. There was a great celebration in the Elven city with the war finally ended and the warriors came back home to be with their families. Ronon was among those who returned. I can see Cailet’s chubby little legs carrying her to her father as she ran to him upon his return. And I can see Ronon scooping her up and kissing her neck as soon as he dismounted his horse. It was a beautiful sight, and I was so happy when he closed the distance between us and kissed me for the first time in three years. The celebrations lasted more than a week, but my family and I only saw about five hours of it. Then we returned to our home in the trees so that we could be a family again. Watching a child grow up seems to go by in the blink of an eye. Cailet grew faster than either of us wanted. But we gave her a little brother by the time she was about seven. His name was Finley. He was also a gorgeous child. Again, with the brightest blue eyes and the fine cap of blonde hair on his head. Fin was a Daddy’s Boy right from the word go. It was Ronon who received his son’s first smiles. And instead of “mama” being his first word, it was “dada.” I was never as close to Fin as I would have liked to have been. But Cailet was my world. She was my favorite child, and the one that I would have given up everything for. In the end, I gave up an entire planet for her. I sacrificed millions of lives in the name of that child. But we’ll get to more on that in a little while. As Cailet grew, I found that I very much enjoyed living with the Elves. They were a peaceful people for the most part. They loved music and horseback riding. They worked with magic to heal the planet from what the Dragon Bloods were doing to it. And they took care of each other without bias for the different kinds of Elves. It was truly a peaceful place to live, and I was glad that I was raising my family there. I just didn’t realize that someone else had realized I was there. That someone was plotting to take away the thing I cherished most in the world. It was the Fae who realized that I was living with the Elves. Apparently they had turned an Elf against his own people. He was a traitor living in our midst. He discovered who I was, and he went back to the Fae to tell them that the Goddess was living with the Elves. He told them about the family that I had, and the daughter that I seemed to love beyond anything else in the world. I’m not sure how long it took them to hatch the plan to kidnap Cailet. But on her 25th birthday, she was stolen from the Elven woods and taken to the lands of the Fae. No word was sent for a ransom or anything. We realized Cailet was missing at bedtime that night. And the whole village went out searching for her. By the next morning a package arrived for me. And when I opened it, I saw my daughter’s head with a note saying that the Fae expected my favor now for their sacrifice of an innocent. I cannot explain the rage and pain that tore through me when I saw my daughter’s head in that box. I collapsed to the ground, and the scream that tore from my throat was enough to shake the entire village. Ronon was by my side in an instant, and he held me as I continued to scream and cry. Nothing had ever hurt me so much as losing my daughter did. And I vowed that I would have my vengeance on the Fae for what they’d done. I stayed in the Elven village for my daughter’s funeral. I stayed long enough to watch Fin grow up into a man. Then I left my beloved Ronon and returned to my mountain home. That’s when Beridian started to feel my wrath. It’s hard to tear a planet apart piece by piece. But I was determined that the Fae would have nowhere to hide. No one realized what was actually happening except for the Fae. The rest of the world though the planet was dying because of what the Dragon Bloods had done with all their technology. Only the Fae knew that I was tearing the world apart to destroy them. It took more than five generations to bring the planet down to its knees. The majority of those on the planet escaped on ships headed elsewhere – anywhere they could go to avoid the destruction. The Fae were the only ones who didn’t go. They weren’t allowed on the ships. They weren’t allowed to leave the planet. Then, 25 years ago, everything came apart. The planet had finally taken all that it could, and exploded into nothingness. Millions were lost when the planet finally gave in. My Ronon was among those who never made it off world. He stayed until the end, trying to heal the planet from everything that I was doing to it. And while I don’t mourn the loss of the millions who perished, I do mourn the loss of Ronon. He was the only man that I truly loved over the course of my very long lifetime. After Beridian was destroyed, I went in search of a new home. I knew that I’d never find another home like Beridian was when I first arrived. I was very well aware that, wherever I went, I would be just another face in the crowd. So I came to his backwater planet. I came to Earth because it seemed like the best option. There are so many people here that I could blend in. I didn’t have to be anyone special. I could just be me. I could be the woman who was in search of something to fill a void in her life. I could possibly find love again, and maybe start a new family. None would ever replace my family among the Elves, but it was possible that someone could fill the void. It’s been 25 years since I came to Earth. Twenty-five years since Beridian was destroyed along with everyone on it. In that time I’ve lived a couple different lives. Nothing flashy, nothing fancy. I’ve lived in numerous cities and taken numerous partners. None of them have ever completed me the way Ronon did, though. Currently I’ve found myself living outside of Vail, Colorado in the Wingrider community. My entanglement with the Wingriders is a long one, and one that I won’t go into details about. It’ll suffice to say that one of them – a certain Nicodemus Grianne – has made my life better than I could have ever imagined it being after I destroyed Beridian. Together we brought a new life into the world, our daughter, Dakota. Nic also almost sacrificed himself so that Cailet could be brought back to me. He gave me back the child that I cherished more than anything else in the universe. I know he did it in the hopes that it would heal some of the damage done to my soul. Some of the damage has been healed, but there’s still a long way to go. The last thing Nic did for me was to tell me where my mate was – his reborn soul. My ties with the Grianne family are twisted and long running. I never expected that my mate would be reborn as one of them. His name now is Brendan Grianne. Everyone close to him calls him Brenner. It’s been awkward living with him since I gave up the powers and responsibilities of being a Goddess to the Beridian people. Now, as an Ancient, I’m trying to find that balance with him. I’m trying to build a relationship with a man that I once loved but don’t know anymore. It’s hard and challenging, and I don’t know that we’ll ever be as whole or complete as we once were. All I know is that I either have to keep trying or let myself die. I don’t want to die and be reborn. I’m attached to this life and who I am. But there may not be another choice for me. I don’t know. I hope that Brenner and I can come to love each other, to be in love and secure in each other. There are a lot of hopes right now and a lot of uncertainties. So this is the end. It’s where I leave you to wonder about what comes next. I have eternity stretched out before me. I don’t know what comes next, or if I’ll even make it to a happily ever now. All I know for sure is that this is my last chance at making something good come of my life. If it doesn’t work then death is the only option I have left. Death will be my gift to those that I love. I hope and pray that it doesn’t come down to that. We’ll just have to wait and see.