My Journal

May 10, 2389

I don’t journal enough. It’s a habit I’m trying to get into, but it seems like I journal once and then forget about it for another year. But here we go with trying again. We’ll see if I can get into the habit more often. At least once a week, if not more. I’ve been sitting here with an open journal for the past hour, trying to decide what to write about. So I looked up some writing prompts to see if those could give me any ideas. The one that stuck out to me the most was, “The almost perfect day you’ve experienced.” There’s one day that really sticks out for that one…

Of course it was a day with Kel. It happened about two months before we lost her. I was just finishing up physical therapy for my most recent procedure. That was when they took all the cybernetics out of my left leg. It took like four months of intense therapy to get steadily on my feet again. Kel was working me out even when we were at home. She didn’t give me any rest, because she wanted me on my feet again. But that day, it was the last day of physical therapy, and my appointment was scheduled for the end of the day so that Kel and me could go home together. I was steady on my feet by then, and the appointment was basically just to make sure that I felt ready to be on my own again…

That morning I woke up early, about an hour before Kel was supposed to be up for work. I started kissing her, and woke her up in the most pleasant way I could imagine. It wasn’t the first time I’d woken her up with lovemaking. But that morning was just perfect. We made love for about 45 minutes before just snuggling and basking in the glow. Neither one of us wanted to get up and shower, but we forced ourselves up and shared a shower. Usually we didn’t do that because usually it would have gotten us into too much trouble. We wouldn’t have been able to keep our hands off each other. But that morning, Kel let me wash her and we behaved. She got out of the shower while I was still getting myself cleaned up. By the time I got out of the shower, breakfast was on the table. We ate together and talked about what we were going to do once we got home for the day. We were planning on going out for dinner and dancing. She wanted me to wear a dress, even though I was uncomfortable showing off the cybernetics that couldn’t be removed. But I promised that I would wear a dress. Something pretty and elegant.

That day, while Kel was at work, I went out shopping for the dress I was going to wear that night. I brought Ryan with me for help on picking one. Sure, guys aren’t the best at picking out clothes, but I figured he could tell me if it was something Kel would go crazy for. I must have tried on a dozen dresses before I found the one I loved. It was floor length with a slit up the left leg, so my right leg would be completely hidden. And it had long, gauzy, loose fitting sleeves that would somewhat cover up my left arm. Or at least make it not as obvious that I had metal from elbow to wrist. It was backless, too. But it hid my ribs completely. I loved it, and when I stepped out in it, I saw Ryan’s jaw hit the ground. I knew that was the right dress. So I changed back into my street clothes and paid for the dress. Ryan and me parted ways, and I went home to put the dress away and prepare for my physical therapy appointment. I needed to change clothes again and actually get to my appointment. I made it there about 10 minutes early. Kel was with another patient, so I waited and watched her work. I always loved watching her work. She had such a gentle touch and gentle way with her patients. Like everyone was made from spun glass and would break if touched wrong. That was one of the things that made me fall in love with her. The way she touched me when we were working together. I think a lot of people fell in love with Kel. 

My appointment time came and Kel brought me back into the work out room. Her supervisor was there to make sure that I was comfortable with my progress. We went through all the exercises that I was doing, and I assured everyone that I was doing fine. I promised that I would come back if I felt I needed some extra help, and I promised to let Kel continue to work with me at home if she felt I needed it. It was a 45 minute appointment. It was about 5:00 when we left the clinic and headed home. We had about 90 minutes to get ready for our dinner date and get to the restaurant, so we rushed home. I’ll never forget Kel’s face when I stepped out of the bathroom in my dress and she saw it for the first time.  Like Ryan, her jaw dropped. And the look in her eyes was almost like reverence. Like when you look at a perfect piece of art for the first time and fall in love with it. That’s how she was looking at me. It took her a few moments to come back to herself before she reached out for my hand and drew me over to the vanity to sit down. She’d promised to do my makeup because I’ve never had a knack for it. I always end up making myself look like a clown. We were both quiet while she did my makeup, but when she was done, she stepped back and whispered, “You look stunning, Anaca. You’re beautiful all the time, but tonight… Magical.” I remember saying, “I just hope I don’t change into a pumpkin at midnight.” We both laughed, and then Kel went to get herself ready. She looked absolutely amazing when she came out of the bathroom, too. She was wearing a deep red dress with cut out shoulders and elbows. There were also cut outs around the ribs on both sides. With her skin tone, she was the hottest woman I had ever laid eyes on. She didn’t need makeup to make her look amazing, but it enhanced her already perfect features. I remember thinking that so many people were going to be jealous of me when they realized we were together.

The food was forgettable once we got to the restaurant. We were busy laughing and talking. There were so many looks in our direction. I’m not sure if people were jealous or if they were displeased with the displays of affection we were showing each other. Nothing over the top or anything, but simple touches and chaste kisses. We ate and had dessert before venturing out to the dance floor. I’d never danced before, so I was very nervous. I didn’t want to step on Kel’s feet, and I was unsteady on the high heels I had to wear with my evening gown. Kel was very patient, though. She showed me how to move to the music and not worry about what was going on around me. It was all ballroom dancing, of course. But everything else faded away while we were on the dance floor together. All I saw was Kel in front of me, and all I felt were her arms around me. I could have lived in those moments. We must have danced for at least an hour before we headed home. My feet couldn’t take any more of my heels, and Kel took pity on me and took me home so that I could take them off.

My heels came off as soon as we got into the apartment. More than anything, I would have liked to have ripped off our clothes and made love all over the apartment, but Kel made me slow down. She wanted a romantic night. We both wanted that, really. She drew me over to the couch and had me sit down with my feet on her lap so that she could massage them. I leaned into the back of the couch and just smiled as I watched her massage my feet. It felt so good after three hours of heels. We talked more about the things we wanted to do together. We knew that we were on borrowed time, but we were still planning for the future. We wanted children together. We wanted to travel the universe. We wanted a beautiful wedding with all our friends and her family there. We talked about all of that that evening. Then, when my feet felt better, I crawled over to her and kissed her. A sweet, loving, and heart achingly tender kiss that I wanted to last forever. We made love on the couch, and the in our bed, before I fell asleep in Kel’s arms. I remember thinking that the day had been perfect in every way, and that I wanted more days like that with her. I didn’t realize how soon she’d be taken away from me. Or that there wouldn’t be time for more perfect days like that one. If only I’d known…



May 17, 2389

Two weeks in a row that I’ve sat down with my journal to write. I’m doing pretty good. Although I wouldn’t give myself too much credit for only two weeks in a row. I’ll save that pat on the back for if I manage a month or more. But today I saw another prompt that resonated with me. This one for a different reason than the last. Last week I was very focused on missing Kel, but this week I feel more reflective on internal sources instead of external. So the prompt was, “What do you fear the most?” There’s a simple answer to that question, but a more detailed answer is required to understand the simple answer. So, the simple answer is that I’m most afraid of being alone. That’s what terrifies me at night now that Kel is gone. It’s what makes it hard to sleep and hard to concentrate on anything during the day. And there are many reasons for it…

When I was a child, I was never really alone. The first year of my life was spent in a sling across my mom’s chest. The only time I was actually “alone” was at night when I was sleeping in my crib. And even then, my parents were only a few feet away if I needed them for anything. As I got older, I spent my days with other kids and teachers. When I was at home, my parents were always nearby. And, while my bedroom got a bit further away from my parents’ room once I was old enough for my own bed, they were still only a bedroom away if I needed them. It was like that for the first eight years of my life. I was never really alone. Always having someone nearby felt safe and secure. I knew that if something happened, I wouldn’t have to face it alone. There would be an adult there to help me. Whether that was a nightmare, an emergency on the ship, or anything else, I never had to face anything without help. Then the Borg came and I was taken into the Collective.

Being part of the Borg Collective is an extreme version of never being alone. As soon as I was connected, there were twenty voices in my head at all times. The voices of my pod. We worked together day and night, and their voices were always with me. Beyond that, there was the sense of the whole Collective being one with each other. There was no individuality or singularity. For the next twelve years, I was never alone in any sense of the word. I didn’t know what “alone” was anymore. Even when I was sleeping, the voices of others floated through my consciousness. The voices of the Collective kept me company 100% of the time. Even when we were assimilating other ships and civilizations, I wasn’t alone. There were 19 others in my pod who were with me all the time, working together to accomplish the goals of the Collective.

Then my connection to the Collective was broken. For the first time in my life, I found myself alone. I was terrified. There were no voices in my head except for my own, and my own wasn’t constant. There were quiet times when I wasn’t thinking at all. When I was just zoning out or watching something. There was no security of my parents or anyone that I knew to protect me. I might have gone insane in those first few weeks if it hadn’t been for Counselor Troi. She didn’t get into my head, but she did help me learn how to accept the silence. She couldn’t teach me how to enjoy it. There wasn’t enough time for that. But I could learn to accept the silence. It was a long process that still continues today. But, after a couple weeks, I didn’t feel like screaming anymore just to have sound surrounding me. I was introduced to music, and that really became my saving grace right there. It filled the silence and gave me something to listen to. Sure, it was external, but it was better than the silence in my head.

In between coming to Earth and meeting Kel, I kept a personal music player on me all the time. I had an earbud that I kept in, and music playing all the time when I was out of my apartment. When I was home, I had music from speakers spread throughout my space. There was a speaker in every room so that I would never have to listen to silence. I never had to feel like I was alone. Although, I really was alone. The voices coming from the speakers couldn’t help me when I woke up from a nightmare. They didn’t care that I was crying and scared. They gave the illusion of community, but that’s all it was — an illusion. I struggled a lot with nightmares because I was suddenly alone in the universe. I struggled with anxiety all the time. I think it was worse when I was outside my apartment. People were staring at me and looking at me with pity, and I didn’t have anyone to back me up or tell me that everything was going to be okay. Not until Kel came into my life, anyway. We met after my first surgery, and I think within about three weeks, she’d moved in with me. I was no longer alone all the time. I could sleep without nightmares because I was sleeping in her arms. I could feel, even in sleep, that I wasn’t alone anymore. And for about four years my life was better. I was able to adjust to being alone while Kel was at work, because I knew that she’d be coming home at the end of the day. I knew that I wasn’t alone all the time. Sure, the music persisted. It drove Kel crazy sometimes because there was never silence in our apartment. But I was doing better. Then I lost Kel, and I was suddenly alone again.

It’s been a little more than a year since I lost Kel. The music still plays in my apartment all the time, but now I feel even more alone than I did before I met Kel. Now I know what it’s like to have a companion. A lover. A mate. I know what it’s like not to be alone again, and I’ve lost it all again. I find myself having nightmares a lot again. Almost every night I dream of the Borg and being assimilated again. Of having my organs remove and being replaced with metal again. They’re horrible nightmares that I wake up screaming from most nights, and there’s no one there to hold me or calm me down. I’m left to curl up and cry until I fall back into a fitful sleep again. The idea of being assimilated again is more terrifying than being alone, but not by much. At least then I would have others with me all the time again.

I find myself being drawn towards Ryan now. I look forward to the days when he comes over to have supper and an evening with me. I enjoy his company. He makes me laugh and smile in ways that I haven’t since I lost Kel. And, I’m not alone when I’m with Ryan. I can touch him and feel him touching me. There’s a connection that’s both emotional and physical. No, we’re not sexual at this point — and I don’t know if we ever will be — but I can play with his fingers and feel his skin against mine. It reminds me that I’m not completely alone in the world. I want to ask him to move in with me. Or to at least stay the nights with me. I want to sleep in his arms and stop the nightmares. I want to feel safe again, and his arms are strong. But I don’t want to make him a replacement for Kel. No one can replace her. And I don’t want to use him. Or make him feel like I’m using him. I just want to feel safe again, and Ryan makes me feel safe.

I don’t know where I’m going with this now. I don’t want to be alone anymore. But I don’t want to make Ryan feel like I’m using him. I don’t want to use him. I just want to feel safe, and he makes me feel so safe. I don’t think I’ll ever get beyond not wanting to be alone. Twenty years of always being surrounded by voices and people means I’ll probably always need that. Maybe eventually I’ll learn that the sound of silence isn’t horrible or terrifying, but I imagine that’ll take a long time yet. Probably a good thing I have a lot of time ahead of me. Maybe eventually…